Used to feel so hopeless, now I feel so rare Seats leaned back, can’t see my chair See my eyes, reflecting the sky - I Feel so divine giving thanks I’m alive
Great classes, great weather, and support from everyone around me - it’s unreal. By the grace of God, Amida, Allah, GLaDOS or who/whatever, I feel as if the world is on my side, urging me to try again. With prospects this good, how can I refuse? ROUND 3 - LET’S GO.
I know my life-high won’t last forever. As always, classes will pick up, chicas will pop up, and I’ll fuck up something before this quarter ends. Reality hurts. Life isn’t fair. But for right now, I’m coasting on a dream [cliche].
In the short term, we are similar. We all want to eat when we are hungry, sleep when we are tired, hide when we are scared, and fight when we are angry. Because of our similarities, we can often accomplish our short term goals in solidarity with our peers, and through that contact create something called “friendship.”
However, in the long run, we follow stars only visible to ourselves. Here lie the deeper beliefs, the beliefs that define who we are, who we intend to be, and and what we want to accomplish before we die. Unlike short term goals, these life aspirations are quite individualized and often drastically different from the dreams of those closest to us. If by chance we find someone whose ultimate purpose mirrors our own, the resulting relationship grows much stronger than a typical friendship. While not necessarily “love,” perchance, the deep empathetic bond formed when someone shares our ideals is definitely one of the most powerful social connections, if also the most fragile.
People change, and as people change, so do their connections with the people around them. As relationships weaken, individuals gains independence at the expense of solidarity. Consequently, as relationships strengthen, an individual loses independence in exchange for solidarity. We desire a balance between independence and solidarity, and we eventually find it. However, we’re not guaranteed our ideal balance at any given time, and we cannot have what we desire, it hurts. Thus, with two dynamically changing people, there is a legitimate chance that one of them will find new inspirations in lieu of the other, consequently gaining new perspectives where the other has not. While such minute changes cannot end relationships directly, the resulting tension impedes solidarity and the creation of new bonds around their original connection. This downhill spiral eventually concludes where it began - with two separated individuals chasing their dreams alone.
I write this in hopes that I am wrong, that a view sculpted from a feeble 18 year lifespan cannot accurately depict something so fundamental to human interaction. We shall see…
You probably won't understand this. Return - GENIE!
Friday night - ladies and gentlemen, the weekend has arrived.
In contrast to my usual daily grind, my Friday nights are usually loaded with some kind of crazy, all-in late night activities. Potential events include party-hunting, risk-binging, or the legendary midnight adventures that have defined much of my Davis experience. As an impatient, fun-seeking extrovert, Friday night represents the epitome of my college freedom - the one night where I can do whatever I want and not have to worry about the consequences. As a result, I typically mess around until 6-7am on a Friday night finally passion out in my clothes, only to awak
*** I fell asleep at my keyboard haha. “Passion out in my clothes…” Wow.
Well, it’s Saturday morning afternoon now, and I’m juiced up and good to go. But yeah, I spent last night sleeping, staying in, and resting, and I could not be more satisfied with my decision. While I enjoy “living out each day,” gassing non-stop from start to finish, I forgot how comforting it can be to spend time alone, toying with my own thoughts instead of a keyboard or game controller. Consequently, my “Friday Adventure” became a cognitive roller coaster through my imagination, and what a wild ride it was…
I was once a visionary kid. Not a prodigy, but definitely unique. However, I was also a stuttering, sensitive, childish-yet-contemplative booger, and I hated it. Back then, I desperately wanted to know what everyone else seemingly knew intrinsically (time passing, directions, social norms, how to make friends, etc.) As time went on, I eventually got my wish. My parents bought me a “brain” that would match with the common masses. I learned the trends (clothing, shoes, girls, music, sports, games, etc) that my peers enjoyed. My stuttering improved, my social skills improved -… hell everything improved except for my sense of time and my sense of direction. I wasn’t nearly as unique in “regular” society, but I was happy: I was getting good grades, nice chicas, and pwning n00bs in Super Smash Bros. By the time I hit high school, I had forgotten what it was like to be Mattie at 10 years old. I had forgotten how to think for fun.
Before girls, parties, and video games, and even music, thinking was my favorite hobby. Looking back, my random daily thoughts were what differentiated me from “regular kids,” with each idea expanding katamari-ball-style into fresh perspectives, stories, characters, and caricatures. Sadly, as the afore-mentioned distractions entered my life, my thoughts became less free and more obsessive (the pre-teen “OMG I LIKE HER! DOES SHE LIKE HIM?! WAIT SHE LIKES HIM?! NOOO!”), and thus my entire mindset- and lifestyle - disappeared into my infamously-fragmented memory.
"It’s just a stupid mindset, who cares?" My 10-year old mindset created Town, a universe for my characters to live in (remember, Shon?). It wrote the Sokchu Song. It “would not be pinned.” Damn, that mindset produced I-5, Orion, and every other short story and novel I carried in those countless spiral-bound notebooks. It was the “lamp” for my Genie, or, in terms people outside my family will understand, the home of my creativity. And now, 3 1/4 years of medically-inhibited inactivity (fxxxing Concerta), I think I’ve found it again. Naman-fxxing-dabu.
I doubt anyone will understand this post besides me and possibly my sister. That’s fine. Few understood my revelations back then either, and tbh I kinda like it that way. No offense intended, but I don’t feel like dumbing this down. For the first time in a long time, these thoughts are truly my own =].